**This is in no way an attack on anybody, these are my opinions and my beliefs. This is how we are choosing to raise our family and the things I hope we can teach our children. I just need to write them down.**
One of the things my mom and I were talking about last week was bullying and how much more prevalent it is in my kids world today. I feel that one of the main factors in this is manners. I remember being in elementary school and on valentines day, we were asked to dress up and attend a valentines tea. As silly as this sounds and as old fashioned and how everybody hated it, as I look back I realize how vital it is to society. During this valentines tea, we were expected to be escorted by a boy in our class. He was expected to pull out our chairs, serve us our sugary punch and a sugar cookie. We were expected to place our napkin in our lap, sit like ladies and enjoy pleasant conversation. Of course we all giggled through it, decided it was stupid and couldn't wait to leave the multipurpose room. My daughter doesn't have that same experience. To practice social manners in school. I see a lot of selfish behavior in her, as she doesn't have the training of proper manners. She can't wait to walk away from the dinner table to find somebodies phone and connect herself to a virtual world. We literally have a temper tantrum type attitude when she asks to be excused and is told that she needs to sit at the table and have pleasant conversation with her family. I realize it's not completely her fault. We as her parents have encouraged that behavior at some point and she now finds it acceptable. We aren't teaching kids manners in school. We aren't teaching kids to stand up for themselves when they are being bullied. Instead, we teach them to tattle instead of working it out. Please don't mistake this for not reporting a serious problem. But there is a difference between reporting a problem and tattling that somebody is 'breathing my air and it's bothering me'. I want to teach Libbi to be strong and independent. I want her to tell me when things bother her and address the problem, but if it's kids saying and being mean,I want her to be able to stand up to them and say, "That's not nice and you can't talk to me like that" and walk away. Report the problem but don't tattle. Schools have a zero tolerance, but I know it's hard to distinguish between tattling daily and a true problem. I think we are doing our kids a dis-service by teaching them not to fight. I don't think for one second that it should be an immediate response, but whose to say that if somebody is picking on you that it's not going to do some good to just hit them once and walk away.
I have a love/hate relationship with facebook and social media. I love that I get to keep in touch with my friends and family. Sometimes post how I'm feeling and see what's going on. But I'm grateful that it didn't exist or wasn't as popular when I was in school. The bullying doesn't end on the playground anymore, it follows those kids home, to their facebook page and it allows their peers to publicly throw the stones without truly seeing the effect it has on them. I had to experience this a few weeks ago, something was posted and people were allowed to publicly list their faults. Having experienced the heartache of not being accepted in school. Rather than remind the person who posted this on facebook that it was wrong and why it was wrong, I privately sent them a message with my discontent and why it's inappropriate to post things like this. It was quickly removed, but I would never have thought that it would be appropriate to post something like that. Before I have to have the birds and bee's talk with Libbi, I'm going to have to have a discussion about what is and isn't appropriate to post on social media. I don't think that every thought you have needs to be posted for 400 of my closest dearest facebook friends need to know. It is interesting to me to see the difference in things that are posted from those under 20 and those over 25. Remember folks, no matter what you post, it will be there forever. Even if you try to remove it. I live by the rule that if I wouldn't say it in front of my grandpa, it doesn't belong on my social media site. It's easier to say things on social media because you don't see the immediate hurt on somebodies face when they realize it's about them. I think part of teaching manners is teaching children what is or isn't appropriate to tell people. While things don't need to be a secret, there are some things we just don't talk about in public or with other people. There are things that even if you know them, you don't share them. Not every thought is meant to be said out loud. Speak what is on your mind, but that doesn't mean you have to share your personal world with everybody you come in contact with.
Libbi hates to talk on the phone. It doesn't matter how many times we talk about having appropriate phone manners and not being rude, she has short sentences, she doesn't say hello and she'd rather text whoever she is calling. Part of the discussion with my mom was that they used to practice having appropriate telephone manners and phone calls. Why have we allowed our children to demand things and be rude on the phone. As much as I hated this rule as a teenager, I can see why it is a valid point. Children should not have cell phones until they are able to pay for them. It's hard to know who and what they are talking about, it's hard to know who is sending them things that are inappropriate. There are many mixed areas on this idea. As Libbi gets older, I may have to change my mind a little, but for now, I don't see her as needing a cell phone. If it comes to that point, we'll get a land line and she is welcome to use that. Even if she gets to a point where she can pay for her one cell phone, I'm still the parent and I still have the right and authority as her parent to take away her privilege of having a cell phone. I feel we are teaching our children that they are entitled to whatever they see and want. We play into the guilty parent syndrome and buy things that we know she doesn't need and don't stick to the guidelines we set down before purchasing said item. Kyle and I have talked about this a lot over the last few weeks. I want to teach Libbi that hard works pays off. Kyle is a fabulous example that when you work hard you can achieve your goals and the things you want. I am so grateful for him and his example to Libbi. Both of our dads and grandpas are great examples of this also.
Again, this is a personal opinion, call it backward if you want, but I think by giving women equal rights, we have taken some of the benefits of being a women out of it. We no longer expect a man to open the door, hold the elevator or allow a women to go first. I'm not asking to step back into the early 1900's, but now that it's gone, was some of it so wrong? I miss the chivalry of the Valentine's tea. Don't get me wrong, there are times where it is shown, but it's not always a bad thing. I was raised in an LDS home, I have values from that time in my life that I hold true to my heart. Religion is a funny thing, this one is mine. I know that some of the outside world sees certain things in this religion and culture as being backwards or not as progressive as the rest of the world. To them I would say, until you have experienced it, you can't knock it. Not every relationship or family is perfect. I am not naive to that, but the love and mutual respect that is taught in those households goes a long way. Why is it so bad that after a week of being home or working, that the mom wants to put on a dress and spend a few hours with her family and feeding her spirit. In a place where her role as a mom and a wife is respected and cherished and encouraged. I also realize that not every wife has the opportunity to stay at home and to 'only' be a mom. I know that you can find these same qualities in relationships that are not LDS families. But again, this is the culture and the household in which I was raised. The relationships I cherish and try to pattern my own after have these qualities and I want to teach my children that these are the things that they should not only expect but have the strength to not settle for less in a relationship. I'm grateful for the examples we have in our lives.
I want our children to be safe and secure. I want them to be strong and to know how to stand up for themselves. I want them to know what is or isn't appropriate to say either to somebodies face or on their social media. I want them to learn to respect their the adults in their lives, but still learn from their experiences. I want them to build personal relationships and not always a virtual one.
Maybe this is a better personal journal entry, but the things we teach our children show in the outside world. We need to get back to basics, teach our children manners and respect. I think it's lacking in the world they are growing up in. I'm not implying that this is one more thing that a teacher needs to focus on in school, but it is part of being a good citizen and that is part of the social experience of school. You are welcome to disagree with me. But remember, these are my thoughts and feelings. I can listen and have a discussions about these things, but you can't tell me I'm wrong just because I don't think the same as you do.
Last thought, then I'll get off my soap box.
