The Dark Side

I'm just going to post it. Because let's be honest, you have to have some bad mixed in with the good.

I find myself lately with one foot in the dark and the othe trying, sometimes successfully and sometimes unsuccessfully, to pull myself out of the dark depression filled world. I don't know how to explain it. I knew that when I was fired from Marriott I would struggle with depression. This isn't the first time. At the time I was let go, we were on a path of success. With goals that were within reach. I feel like now, I've screwed all of those up and we are back to square one and unsuccessfully moving forward. I've learned that I can be a stay at home home, but I don't really enjoy it. I miss having an outside life and a purpose and feel like I'm contributing to my family. I've loved being home with Libbi and getting to take her and pick her up from school. But I spend 6 hours a day home by myself, with only myself to talk to and that can unravel my day quickly. I spend my days stressed about money, lack of insurance (hoping nobody gets sick or hurt) and trying to get ourselves back on a path of success. Kyle has been supportive of everything and understanding, but this is a daily struggle for me. I find myself planning a nap as soon as the alarm goes off. Setting small, insignificant goals to get through my day and hoping somehow to accomplish even half of them. I spend my day on the verge of tears and worried that if somebody says something to me, I might come unglued. My family has been understanding and supportive and I do my best to hide this away, but I'm not sure how well I'm hiding it and I'm sure they know. Every time I think I need help, I remember that there isn't any insurance to pay for the medication I would have to have to stay balanced, which starts the whole cycle all over again. So for now, I set my goals for the day. Accomplish what I can and hug my daughter and remember that this is good for her. To have her mom at home to help her and to be her friend and teacher.

I know that sounds like it rambles. But I needed to write it down. I needed to get it out of my head. I'm working hard to find a purpose and to help get back on track. But some days, the 'dark' side gets the best of me. I know everything happens for a reason, but I need some sort of direction and I need to stay positive.

Something will come along and we'll be ok. But this week, I'm struggling. It's taken me 5 days to finally post this. Why must Depression have such a stigma attached to it?!?!